I thought I’d write while in a white foamy rage so you can see why I got so fucking rah-rah over the Primal diet. I still think it works, by the way. I have six months of good behavior and high self-esteem under my belt, and even though I was an arrogant prick to a handful of people regarding my newfound nutritional knowledge, it beat being an asshole to myself.
Experience tells me I’d be worse off right now without Primal. But I can safely say I’ve officially spiraled into the snake pit, like in the old carbivorous days. Yesterday I awoke in a mild panic, overwhelmed by the cold, the darkness, the looming tasks of the day. Today I did the same. I sobbed and panicked in front of the children to the point where Spike offered hugs and happy pills. He even volunteered to walk the dog after refusing due to inclement weather. I may have cried to manipulate him into taking her. I really may have. Which you know means that I did. Oh the shame!
I spewed my fears to everyone I encountered like a sympathy whore, begging them to reassure me that Everything Will Be Okay. I wept the day away and just now raged at the kids till Spike was in tears, yelled at Peaches to shut up, and slammed the door on my way to my room to hide my sorry-ass self.
I have not felt this way in six fucking months. I HATE myself in this mode. I am mean, ineffective, filled with pain and shame. It is THIS nightmare state of mind that Primal rescued me from up till now. Can you see why I might sound a little preachy, being freed from that tyranny?
Maybe I can blame food for my downfall—I certainly ate more sugar and grain than normally over the holidays. I ate factory farmed meat. I had coffee with milk, chips and salsa, enchiladas, cornmeal-crusted founder. I ate gluten-free chocolate cookies, rum balls, pecan pie filling scooped out from the flaky, floury crust. I veered from my typical fare, but not very far. Not so far that I’d be wracked with sobs in front of the kids.
Maybe I’ll never know.
And maybe it’s not the food.
Maybe it’s the dog.
The fucking dog.
Owning this fucking dog has been an emotional roller coaster, for lack of a less hackneyed cliche. Her affection and loyalty nearly knocks the wind out of me. It’s almost disgraceful. How sweet and patient she is with Spike and Peaches. How house-trained she is. She’s so warm and cozy on my lap she’s practically narcotic. We’ve taught her to fetch and discovered that she can run and leap like a Lilliputian thoroughbred. She follows me everywhere and doesn’t need to be leashed at home; she comes, to me anyway, on command. She’s trainable: she knows not to sit on my lap unless I invite her, as long as I don’t get lazy about it. She waits till I enter the house first. She sleeps through the night. She’s cute as hell.
Speaking of hell…
We took her to the Poconos over the holidays. And a different, much more fearful, much more aggressive Nyla emerged: she growled and barked at everyone—nieces, nephews, siblings, grandparents. She nipped my sister-in-law—when SIL was being playful, Nyla interpreted it as a threat. The same thing happened with my teenaged niece, who squatted to pet Nyla, lost her balance and stumbled. Nyla lunged at her, teeth bared and snarling. Thankfully my niece leapt out of the way. Someone else might not be that lucky. And I fear that bad luck cascading over my family like a black waterfall. When I sat with Nyla she vibrated with fear.
Yes it was her first family vacation. Yes we’re all still acclimating. And no, she didn’t actually bite anyone. But a spinning mind at three AM does not rationalize on the side of peaceful thoughts. It races all the way to the emergency room, where Peaches is getting her face stitched up. And to the courtroom, where we’re getting sued by the neighbors for the loss of their child’s eye.
I keep asking myself if I’ve lost all perspective. Maybe I have. Or maybe I simply don’t want to deal with this shit.
Nyla was ecstatic to be home but instead of returning to her more amiable, easy-going ways, she barked at the neighbor boys. She hadn’t barked at them previously. She barked incessantly at the boys’ dad. I crated her when a toddler visited. She fears other animals, barks and growls at them too. And today she tried to kill the vet, a gentle bespectacled young man who told me that as Nyla grows more comfortable with my family, she won’t grow out of her fear; rather she will probably become more aggressive to outsiders. He said I might have to close her in a room when visitors arrive, and to be very careful that she doesn’t bite anyone.
We’re having fourteen family members for dinner in two weeks. As if executing the meal isn’t enough, now we get to worry about how the dog will fare. Will she lunge at uncle Michael? Will she growl at cousin Sam? Will we lock her in Spike’s room, only to have to endure her scratching, whining and crying during our meal?
Calmness has left the fucking building. I HATE this shit. And if your only thought is that I am callous and self-pitying, that I should have known what I was in for, I say, THEN YOU TAKE THE DAMN DOG.
The stress of the vet’s pronouncement, along with the fact that dinner was running late and Spike was freaking out about his homework while Peaches antagonized him, threw me Over The Edge. Spike wailed, “You’re mean, Mommy!” and I said, “We wouldn’t be so upset if it weren’t for that goddamned dog! If we didn’t have to go to the vet, I’d have cooked by now! I’d be helping you with your homework! The vet said she’s just going to get worse!” He cowered in fear and wailed. I remembered that we’re not supposed to scream in front of the dog.
FUCK!!!
Spike was right. I was mean. And I hated myself for it.
I thought, I can’t believe it. I’m back to where I started, with the rage, the guilt, the shame.
GREAT.
And the irony? It was my feeling of invincibility inspired by my Primal diet that led me to think owning a dog was a Splendid Idea. And now that I am no longer invincible, this eight-pound rescue mutt who craves my lap like a junkie craves smack has driven a wedge between me and my former, fleeting sanity.
AND. I. WANT. IT. BACK.
God I want it back.
Sigh.
well anyway. I just wanted to let you know.
Happy fucking new year.
Ugh
Yeah.
hi. i got your email. and i want to respond privately as well, but since you wrote a lot of it here, i thought i may as well share publicly alongside you.
ok, so here’s the thing: i’m not sure the vet is right. i’m not sure he’s wrong. but he can’t see the future. neither can we. the most you can do is pay close attention, make nyla feel safe, which will probably entail crating her when people come over.
i personally think that once she’s more settled with your family she’ll be less aggressive because she will feel safe, and the visitors won’t threaten her. i am not sure she’s growling and snapping at everyone to protect you. it might just be she’s out of her comfort zone–she just came from a shelter for God’s sake. what do you think? does it seem like she’s protecting you or just upset and generally afraid?
i also have to say that i may know nothing, because marley doesn’t give a shit about me and is loyal only to rick. i can call him and call him and if he doesn’t want to come he just looks at me like “make me, bitch. whoops, i love you mommy, please keep feeding me, but seriously, make me.”
when we moved from boston to tampa, which took about 1.5 weeks and 3 or 4 stops along the way staying with friends, some of whom had dogs, marley just lost it. he has never really liked other dogs. he’s always loved people. jumps on them. to this day, still does. everyone tells him “it’s OK, you can jump on me” so we stopped telling him not to. he fights, though, with other dogs. like, bares his teeth and draws blood kind of fighting. the bigger the dog, the better. he has no fear of rottweilers or german shepherds. wants to rip their throats out.
he also has snapped at me twice, once when i surprised him in the middle of the night and once when i got in his face while he was all riled up playing. he also has snapped at two kids (can’t remember who now, whether it was ours or visitors), but they were in the wrong, whatever it was. got in his space.
dogs need space. territory. if they feel like it’s threatened, they may get feisty. so the best thing you can do is help her protect her territory by crating her when people are over. i really do think after a while you will get a feel for whether she always needs to be crated when you have company or whether she grows more and more comfortable and can come out and play.
the thing is, you did a good thing, rescuing this dog. you saved her. there is a lot to be said for that. sure, you were selfish on some level because you wanted a little doggie to snuggle, to adore you, to play with your children, maybe even occupy them so you can make dinner in peace.
there is nothing wrong with any of that. plenty of studies show that people with dogs are more content. which i know sounds completely wrong in light of the post on which i’m commenting.
but seriously. how do you feel when she’s lying in your lap and you are stroking her fur? how does spike feel when he’s loving on her and receiving unconditional love in return? i remember old posts on your former blog in which you described spike’s neurotic behavior in saving trash, piling it up on his bookshelf. nervousness maybe. aedan and gillian both bite their nails. but when they lie down on the floor with marley, snuggle with him (which really doesn’t happen often because around here they count him as our firstborn child and forget he’s a dog to be snuggled with), i can see them immediately relax. breathe slowly. there are glimpses of contentment.
that’s the thing: we put up with a lot of shit from dogs because in the end they love us when no one else does.
Kristi, I don’t know how to adequately thank you, but THANK YOU! Your comments and experiences with Marley are immensely reassuring. Bryan thought so too.
I think you nailed the source of my anxiety: the vet’s doom-and-gloom pronouncement. He’s the expert, the authority. Maybe it’s ironic that I put so much stock in his words when I am loathe to accept most human doctors’ advice, esp. when it turns out that he is not a big believer in raw meaty bones. but that’s a post for another day, because I’m not sure I am anymore either. Then again, I’ve schooled myself about my myriad issues, so maybe I can do it with Nyla too.
By the way she just barked her head off at the mailman. I thought my heart was going to give out. My stress level is through the roof. Bryan’s too.
She also played with Peaches in the backyard for a good long time just before and it was wonderful to watch the two of them together, wonderful to see my daughter do something stimulating, outdoorsy and interactive, and excellent for her not to be whining to me instead which is otherwise typical.
Crating Nyla when company comes will be one of our approaches definitely, plus snacks, and maybe one of these days I’ll get around to calling a pro re: behavior/obedience training. that is, if it’s not a buttload of money. maybe as a last resort. But maybe that’s where we at.
the learning curve hurts.
thanks again Kristi. It means the world to me and swamp chicken.
Elise, I wouldn’t listen to the vet either. A lot of vets are jerks, and they have their breeds/specialities that they know more about. Your vet might not know your dog’s type/breed that well, or just may be an idiot, or may be trying to give you permission to give up…. So many possibilities, but I would not listen to him for a second. Look around for a different vet.
If I were you I’d find a dog trainer who could give you a couple sessions, or even just one session, and give you tips on how to deal with Nyla, and also then give you her/his opinion on her potential. Also, there’s this great book Second Hand Dog, by Carol Benjamin, that you might want to read.
I agree with everything Kristi said, and can’t imagine a life without dogs, for all their inconveniences.
But at the same time, if this dog isn’t the right dog for your family, that happens sometimes.
Hi Larissa, I am going to check out that book and call a trainer. The vet was really cool aside from his doom-and-gloom prediction. But maybe you’re right. Last night she barked at my mom and step-dad when they came to babysit. though I coached them to ignore her and not look at her, I was out of my mind with worry over how it would go and though she barked and growled at first she did calm down within minutes, with the aid of some rice cracker treats. she even went to my mom as the evening wore on. A professional opinion will most likely soothe me and I love your idea to get their opinion of her potential. Thank you so much for weighing in. I appreciate it!
we took marley to petsmart for dog obedience. i can’t imagine it was more than $100 total. maybe i’m making that up. but it was VERY affordable vs. going to a trainer who will work one on one with doggies. you may end up needing to go that route, but it was good for marley to be in a social situation, on a leash, and have the trainer observe how he acted and then give us feedback. of course he was a complete maniac while all the other dogs just sat there doing everything their owners asked. come to think of it, this seems to be the trend with our kids too. maybe we are doing something wrong…
i encourage marley to bark at some people. like the hooligans who wander down the sidewalk toward the ghetto. totally OK. bark your head off, little doggie with lots of fur. the UPS guy used to drive marley NUTS because hello, he was coming onto the porch, and marley was like who the eff are you, dude? but now he sees the truck and knows the guy and doesn’t make a sound.
he sometimes still whimpers at the mailman, but only if he is caught off guard. so, again, i think a lot of it is just nyla getting used to the people in your life, the people who are OK, and the people you don’t know, well, she needs to bark her head off at those guys. but she needs to know how to listen to you and when you say “he/she is OK,” then she should stop.
i fully believe she will get there.
i haven’t ever encountered any jerk vets, so i was just thinking that the vet just doesn’t know everything about everything, and for me, it’s like what you said: i don’t trust everything human doctors say so i don’t listen to everything vets say either. but for the most part they have seemed caring about marley. which is nice. i can’t imagine a vet trying to get you to give a dog back, but maybe there are all kinds of vets out there…
maybe you can write a letter and get cesar milan to come visit you…
You are hilarious. And thanks for the benchmark price. I wonder if Petco offers a similar deal. I have one lead on a trainer. Will keep you posted. And yes, maybe I’m not looking at this with the right attitude. Nyla the 8-pound guard dog!
incidentally, i used to be in constant panic mode because aedan was chronically ill with sinus issues and no doctor would give me straight answers. but at first i didn’t realize it because i put my trust in them to actually guide me and tell me what to do. eventually i figured out that i needed to take charge and look up things and go in with a list of questions and possible answers to guide them. in terms of behavior, though, i don’t think vets have a good pulse. i think trainers would be the authority on that. xo
YES. Amen Sister. I have to take charge on this one. Too gloomy an outlook otherwise.
Oh and, the vet does have four dogs of his own by the way if that changes anyone’s opinion of him.
Hi again,
Yuck. Ok, when we first got our current dog (who is 30 lbs of very sleek, athletic terrier mix with large white teeth) everything was cool. Then at week 3, she decided that my middle child (who is two) was not to be tolerated in her space at ALL. We observed aggressive behavior that had us thinking that she too (remember the puppy from my last comment?) would have to go. Not wanting to be the lady who gave back two dogs, and also not wanting to be the lady who watched a dog tear her precious son’s ear off left me in a terrible predicament. I was at my wits’ end, and then my parents suggested a training program that they saw in a TV infomercial. I went to the website, and watched the trailer ad there, and thought it looked like a gimmicky bunch of rediculous crap, but when I read the other information on the site it made a lot of sense. I chocked-it-up to poor presentation in the commercial, and decided to give it a try. In a nutshell, without the “Don Sullivan’s Perfect Dog” training system Penny would be back where she came from. There are as many differing opinions about dog training as there are about nutrition, and this program is not for everyone. It is firm, and it involves physical correction (which is how dogs interact with each other -very primal). Dogs do not try to understand each other, or make allowances for each others’ past experiences, they just lay down the rules for each other, and then co-exist. This system involves the use of a collar that corrects without choking or using leverage -it sort of “bites” a bit on the scruff of the neck as a mother dog would do to correct her pups’ behavior. It can be used on very small dogs. The basic premise is that your dog wants her freedom to be a dog more than she wants your affection (I can personally vouch for the fact that this program allows the dog more freedom, as my formerly aggressive dog no longer needs a leash unless we are near traffic). An aggressive dog usually is acting out of a lack of understanding of their role in your household. If the dog does not believe that you all are in control of every situation then they feel like they have to dominate anything and everything that they find threatening. Once our dog came to understand that we were in charge she relegated the resposibility of controlling situations to us. She also learned to control her impulses, because it isn’t worth it for her to act out with aggression. As I say -this program is not for everyone, but it worked for us, and our dog is now playful, much happier, and free to be a dog within the parameters of her discipline (much like our children). You can try to “warm-and-fuzzy” the problem away as many will tell you you must, but dogs grow into agression problems, not out of them. You have to take it seriously -as you well know. Our dog still requires maintenace training at times, it is an ongoing process, but we no longer fear her reactions to our kids. She is not perfect, but we really enjoy her now, and she us. I hope this helps. You may find that the method is not for you -I dunno. As far as the sobbing and raging…I sometimes get that too. For me it’s definitely hormonal. I have to try to remember that there is a week each month where I fall into “the black hole”. That week I have to stop before each thing I want to say, and ask myself if it’s something I want the kids to hear, or my husband to remember. It works about 50% of the time, but without that much impulse control I would be a terrible mother. I don’t believe in pharmaceuticals for myself, so I pretty much have to live with it for now. I can’t yet get over the “yuck-factor” I’ve had for so long with meat-eating, so Primal is kinda out. I’m sure it might help, though. Again -I hear ya sister, good luck.
Paula I cannot tell you how much I identify with your predicament. Well maybe that’s obvious. I really appreciate you commenting! And I am so heartened and encouraged by your story. More and more I think I have to make that call today. I am looking forward to having a pro examine her and give me concrete ways to deal with Nyla. Thanks for the insights regarding dog needs too—”Dogs do not try to understand each other, or make allowances for each others’ past experiences, they just lay down the rules for each other, and then co-exist.” is a brilliant insight that I will keep in mind from here on in.
i am thinking the next doggie we get needs paula’s magic training.
marley still runs our house, so we are probably just lucky that he’s easygoing and not really needing to be in control unless he’s around other dogs (hence the reason he’s not socialized with other dogs and instead is counted as one of our 4 kids by the other 3 kids we have…ha).
good insight, paula!
Kristi: It’s not too late for Marley -Oh my gosh! Try the program if you have any aggression issues with other dogs. It works so well for that. I never have to worry about Penny approaching other dogs -if there’s a problem it’s always the other guy’s. This only cost us about 60 bucks if I recall. You don’t want your dog running your house any more than you want your kids to. They’re not qualified! I can tell my dog to lie down from across the yard at a dead run with a hand signal (not to brag, but doesn’t that sound great?) It didn’t turn her into a robot, either. She’s much happier now. Elise: This is a “one-size-fits-all” approach to dog training, but it works pretty quickly, and it didn’t hurt anyone. Don Sullivan takes aggression SUPER seriously.
About to Google Don Sullivan, because that is inspiring! I have a call into a local trainer here, $90 for an hour-long private session. Just making the phone call was a tremendous load off my shoulders. Kristi will you take the training plunge or is life oky-doke with Marley the way he is?
That sounds like a a great program. And yes, I agree that dog classes are great too! Didn’t mean to sound like I was totally dismissing vets. I had a deaf pit bull in the 90′s and got some terrible advice and saw repeatedly (I was in my 20′s, moving a lot, and went through a new vet almost every year for several years), how most of them didn’t know anything about how to deal with my dog, who gave every possible physical indication of being a raging doofus. But they were scared of pit bulls so they’d slap a muzzle on him, which was kind of okay, I can understand that, but then they’d hoist him up onto a stainless steel table, where he had no grip on the table and thus felt insecure, but also was almost at eye level with the vet and thus felt powerful, and had a muzzle on his mouth and thus felt out of his mind frustrated and confused. It was so working against all dog psychology to put him high on the table with bad footing, and they wouldn’t listen to me that he was better off on the floor. He never bit any vet or showed any signs of aggression, ever, to any person, but it was always the same routine, and it took four or five interns and helpers to hold him down to give him a shot, he would end up on the floor, fur flying, with all these people struggling to hold him down… I finally found a vet in Wiliamsburg who knew the breed. She would let him wander around the exam room sniffing stuff, give him a treat, give him a shot, and it was done in two minutes with us chatting the whole time.
And then, I could give a whole litany of complaints about the Park Slope vets…Oh — this is a good one — like my friend’s vet who told her not to feed the dog any people food because there is too much fat in people food, and fat could give the dog heart disease.
I LOVE my vets that are great… but like Paula says, they’re like doctors and they don’t know everything.
(Also, just want to add that with my deaf pit bull I did just two private training sessions, total, and it set us up well for the rest of his life.) Anyway, I’m enjoying this foray into dog behavior on your site.
Sorry this is so long!
Larissa I’ve always thought you were the coolest, and such an inspiring mom and human. Now I hear you had a deaf pit bull. just. Wow. And what a story. How can pros be so blind? But then why am I so surprised?
oh, so so nice coming from the coolest person i know. Thank you! He was a great dog. I love dogs. I am really hoping it works out with Nyla, and it sounds like it already is getting better. Happy to hear it!