I still have to see Looking for Mr. Goodbar. When I was little my brother came home from the movies with his red haired date Pamela, who’d embarrassed him by screaming during the movie. I’ve been fascinated by it ever since but never managed to see it. Too frightened maybe.

Anyway, did I mention that I used to docent for the Greenwich Village Historical Society and was stationed in Jemima Kirke’s bathroom? Her parent’s master bath. A couple months later it was the backdrop for a Vogue photo shoot. There were pictures on the wall of the girls lounging and goofing on a bed with their pal Liv Tyler. Those girls are as privileged as they get, and yet Lena still acts from a place of low self-esteem. I wonder what will become of her sister.

What do the critics say re: her body? That she’s a fat lardo? Is that how they don’t get it? And what irritates you most? I think you’re right about her feeling intimidated by her sister and mom. That diary she found was her mom’s real diary and she said it was a revelation to see that once upon a time her mother struggled to be somebody, so that Lena wouldn’t feel overshadowed by the woman’s success her whole life. Well now she surpassed them all. How will her sister trump that?

I think part of the reason for my obsession is because my entire (rejected) collection of personal essays is a sex scene like that. Courting rejection in a monotone. Like I’m watching this thinking, That’s MY story! And she got the fucking prize! Fuck her! Hers is prettier than mine! And so on.

I am thrilled to share the obsession with you and hoping it doesn’t bring us any (more) pain. The Haves are a fascinating lot. I loved, “It’s in the white cabinet.”

Now I want a beer. A gluten free Belgian ale. something like that.

I love what your mom said, and Boobs McGee. I am adding those nuggets to my arsenal.

Let me know what happens about school counseling. that sounds like fun. I’ve had that fantasy too, but not as loud as the other stuff.

Thank you babe!
xo

the honesty–it’s what keeps people drawn in. it’s what keeps people reading.

what kept running through my mind as i was reading was: i want to interrupt you and just sort of grab your face and look into your eyes and say TRUST YOUR GUT. you don’t know everything. there is much to be learned, for sure. but you have a good gut. (an even better gut thanks to paleo, i’d imagine.) your head plays tricks on you, makes you doubt what you know is true for you.

remember i told you once about boobs mcgee, my former therapist? she had these little nuggets of wisdom, and one of them was: you know you best. so when someone tells you something, you have to weigh whether YOU think it’s true. i guess this could work even with your alter ego, the one who keeps trying to tell you that you need to change your approach, that you aren’t good enough, that you don’t measure up to all those who are somehow better than you.

my mom said to me the other day: “money doesn’t buy happiness. OK, well, maybe it does. but it doesn’t buy joy.” ha. i loved that. i think its simplicity is comforting to me.

now i’m rambling. probably the carbalicious beer i had with dinner.

oh! today i checked into a certification in school counseling. hard to see how things will pan out through that tiny pinhole. but i agree with your friends here: love that analogy.

xoxo

I love that about the 200 bad paintings. I am totally going to use that because I get hugely in my own way between projects as if I’m some sort of creative monogamist. it sucks and I KNOW that you have to keep going and not bank on one book or piece of art or whatever. Cultivating the work ethic over here. Thank you for weighing in, Larissa, it’s always great to hear from you.

your voice is good enough elise. much more than good enough with respect to your writing. i get that you might feel unsteady and want to seek guidance for how to get your novel published but stay true to yourself and your writing, you are worth it. lena dunham, she has grown up in a world that’s pretty much free of doubt. money can’t buy happiness but it can make life infinitely easier. but struggles make you stronger in the end, and more relatable, which is literary gold. your work will find the right agent, just be kind to yourself and give yourself time. in the meantime, maybe look into work that would really interest you if you do, indeed, need to find a job come september, something that coincides with your interests (i’m thinking starbucks really doesn’t?). my job is fucking stressful as all hell and there are times i dread going to work (and times that i leave crying) but that job (for all the griping i do) is one of the best things that happened to me because it forces me out of my box. i’m not saying become a nurse but is there some sort of career path you could look into that might ultimately help you with your writing?

i really love this post even though i don’t love the place your in right now, but i admire your honesty. you’re following through on what you mentioned a few posts ago, about keeping it real and not going back and editing yourself, deleting things. this is you and there’s an audience that will love you for your ‘you-ness’. have faith in yourself and when your doubting perhaps look back on the positive things people you respect have told you about your work. i’m trying to do the same with my work, and it really helps with sort of short circuiting the spiral of self doubt.

xox